December 4, 2009 my dad died. Over 12 years later and it’s still the hardest thing I’ve ever written. (I may or may not be crying in an airport bathroom at this very moment.)
I fully understand that nothing lasts forever, but it devastates me knowing that the dreams I have of him living and enjoying this world with me and my loved ones and the memories of him that bring me overwhelming joy, will remain just that. Dreams and memories.
I’ve found myself recently gifted with some time alone, which has given me the opportunity to think a lot about some things I’ve tried to ignore. The finiteness of it all. The thought that everything and everyone is temporary.
MY dad was supposed to be here for MY forever.
But alas, that’s not how life works.
I and everyone blessed to make his acquaintance are resigned to delight in the joy that was getting to know and love and be loved by him.
Which is indeed a delight—a quite devastating delight, but a delight nonetheless.
To accept this as fact rather than a ceaseless nightmare has been a process to say the very least; but I’ve recently been able to entertain the notion that these dreams and memories aren’t to be viewed as a consolation for having endured loss and grief, rather these dreams and memories might be a gift.
A thoughtfully curated present just for me.
Each moment spent with Dad, every joke shared, every crazy facial expression he taught me, every “whaaah” to the back of the knees, every early morning fishing trip, every shout of “I need a kid!,” was another little something added to this gift, that would eventually be beautifully wrapped in sorrow and longing, waiting to be unwrapped and cherished and shared.
To remember my dad, to think of him, to share stories about him to my husband and daughter is one of the best gifts I’ve received.
Thinking of Dad reminds me that each moment in this life isn’t just for me. Each moment may be adding to the dreams, memories, and stories that I’ll gift to my loved ones one day. Just like my dad gave me, I hope to one day leave everyone with beautiful gifts.
Thank you Dad for such a perfect present.