Who I am Hates Who I’ve Been

Growing up I experienced many a sleepless night for varying reasons, during which I introduced myself to an array of wonderful music videos and artists featured on VH1’s overnight block, Insomniac Music Theater. One group that I found myself scouring the internet for more music was Relient K. One of the songs that I’ve since remembered quite vividly was “Who I am Hates Who I’ve Been.”

Lately, as I’ve been slowly pulling my feet from the pit of tar that is my self-diagnosed ‘quarter-life’ crisis, the lyrics have illuminated themselves on the back of my mind like the monitors on karaoke night; and my mind can’t help but to scream the lyrics. I know we all have those moments where we look in the proverbial mirror and are embarrassed or humiliated or even sometimes disgusted with something from the past, be it our entire former selves, or just one lame experience; however, sometimes the disgust and shame can be so overwhelming that we forget that these are only distant memories and moments from the past that we’ve made a conscious effort to overcome.

Throughout this journey through my young adult life, I’ve met so many new people and have reintroduced myself to the people my closest friends and family have become through growth and change; and I am ever inspired to try new things and ways to live, to think, and experience life as a whole. When people ask me how I am doing and I can genuinely smile and tell them I’m just wonderful and truly mean it, it’s the greatest feeling in the world. Then comes the moment when my mind replays as scene or a conversation from the past, one that I am not fond of, one where if I’d have said something different or done something else, my whole world would’ve changed and I have that thought, you know the one that begins, “Ugh, I wish I’d have…”

I often find myself feeling guilty or apologetic for the person I was, or looking for ways to fix or undo things that have long since by others been forgotten, for the sole reason that I won’t allow myself to let them go.

But as I am taking the time to learn and grow and get to know myself, I am realizing that there was nothing so horribly wrong with me back then, I just have a different idea of who I am and should and want to be now–which is actually a wonderful thing that some would refer to as growth or maturity. I don’t know what I’d call it, but for now, old Mo is alright with me.

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